She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
