You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
two words: eviction party
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
