somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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