He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
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its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
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He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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