You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
