this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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