I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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