Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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