Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
