I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
should my penis look like a turkey
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How external is "for external use only"?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
