At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
