She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
