i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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