Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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