I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
