someone get that fucking seahorse.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
