Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
