i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
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I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
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I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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