yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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