Capitaan dildo arrescate!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
