Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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