her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
