Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
