I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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