Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
