I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I bet he comes in French.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is it penis luge time yet?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
