Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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