dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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