I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
