if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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