from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
