k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
