life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dicks are not precious.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
