I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
