your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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