I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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