Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
