Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
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I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
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Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(