It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.