My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility