im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
where are you?
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You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
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I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men