The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.