Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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