He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
