i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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