Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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