Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
