Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
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