drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
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This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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