I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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