can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
