She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
