The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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