Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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