this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
