Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
