I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
