So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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