so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
