final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
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