I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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